What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 24.06.2025 05:43
So, i spoilt her more .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
He resisted the act ,that day.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Why does my private parts itch so much during certain periods?
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
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You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
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I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He knew the spot.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Would this be the day?
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
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Ive learnt so much.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
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I was scared of men, in general
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
What would happen if the Earth stopped spinning for one minute?
When she asked me how she looked .
I never cut or harmed myself..
She wouldn,t have been !
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I was very sick at this time too.
I think the readers, may guess!
If there is an abandoned house with no owner, can I live in it?
All the time i was locked up.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
As i do to all so called friends.?
Was to survive, this bastard.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Put me off passion for life!!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I said to her
(And it was in our own minds.)
I had hoped to write a book about this .
What did i know ?
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I don,t even have a pension.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But, we were locked up after school.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
But it wasn’t much.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
And i lived it daily.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
She loved him until the end.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
She found it foreign!.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
My family never makes their pension either.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Why did i forgive my father ?
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Im still living with it.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I write beautiful poetry .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
One cannot live in the past .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
This is soul school!.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I was seconnd youngest,
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
So whats the point in blame.
My life is so biszare .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She married twice! .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
We all went to grammer schools
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I will be 64.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Comes on , in middle age.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I waited trembling.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I have no regrets .
It was going to be , some day.
I was 9 years of age.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Who then, do I blame.?
But ive been too sick for many years..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
We were not on the streets..
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
She was in good health!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
They are buried together, in the same grave..